


make sure you kiss your knuckles before you punch me in the face

by primrosee



Category: Homestuck
Genre: ???? maybe unrequited, Angst, But not quite, Canon Compliant, Drabble, Earth C, Implied Insomnia, John-centric, M/M, Post-Game, Run-On Sentences, Self-Esteem Issues, Song-Based, Unrequited Love, at least mostly, implied depression, mentioned alcoholism, nail-biting, there's a quick hint at my main man roxy/callie/jane haha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 09:15:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11552142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/primrosee/pseuds/primrosee
Summary: You can't decide what hurts the most—Dave not loving you, your father being with you but not-quite, everyone else being so happy go-lucky, or the fact that you are so, undoubtedly, alone.





	make sure you kiss your knuckles before you punch me in the face

**Author's Note:**

> some quick johndave angst because i just listened to twin size mattress from the first time (title is from that btw, what a good fuckin song)
> 
> potentially going to be turned into a whole story? not sure yet, depends on the reaction i guess.

> _ with tears in my eyes, i begged you to stay _
> 
> _ you said, “hey man i love you, _
> 
> _ but no fucking way.” _
> 
> \- twin size mattress, the front bottoms

It has been three years, two months, five days, and six minutes.

The sun never sets on Earth C, but it never rises, either. You have your house back, and some semblance of your dad in the man who looks like him, with the same five o’clock shadow and clipped jaw, but he isn’t really your dad, because he’s Jane’s. You’ve come to accept it (you haven’t, but you convince yourself you have). Everyone is happy, bursting at the seams, sunflowers and daisies. Rose is gay-married to Kanaya and they probably have candle-lit dinners where they have debates for hours over, which is probably foreplay for them, and if you said that out loud Rose would probably clock you, and it would probably hurt.

You, unfortunately, are not happy. Putting on an act is easy. You send snapchats where you’re all smiles, awkward mirror selfies that always get the response of someone laughing through a video, and they’re never alone. Not like you. You’re always alone, because you stay by yourself in your house—not the one Rose built when you first started the game, but the two-story one you always used to claim had monsters in the attic and basement, and your dad would check for them and there wouldn’t ever be any. Who knew the worst monsters would turn out to be living in your head, tucked away in dark corners and waiting for splinters and cracks.

They’re getting what they want, you suppose. When you cry at night and scribble on your walls in your sleep all over again, like you’re thirteen again, insults about trivial things like your teeth and your hair but sometimes about not-so trivial things, like the fact that you’re an awful friend and you’re going to die alone.

“John,” Dave says, and you jump. “You alright, dude?”

“Fine,” you promise, cracking the most convincing fake-smile you can. Dave and Karkat are together now and they’re in on the sunflowers and daisies thing, interspecies romance and whatnot, kissing and going on mock-dates in the park that Jade constructed when everyone said they needed a place to chill and have picnics. He sends you snaps of it, holding Karkat’s hand and kissing him and whatever other sappy things they do.

And maybe that’s what hurts you most of all. Not the fact that Rose and Kanaya are gay-married and all happy together, or the fact that Roxy somehow manages to be dating two people and you aren’t even dating one, or the fact that your dad is around but not quite. Maybe it’s the fact that you were in love with Dave and you still are, but he still doesn’t know and he never did, never will, because he’s in love with Karkat and you have to pretend to be fine with that because you’re his best bro. Hint: you are anything but fine with it. But you pretend for Dave’s sake, and after a while pretending just becomes second nature.

“You’re spacing out a lot today,” he says while you bite your nails further than they already are, blood pooling at your fingertips. “Are you seriously alright, John?”

His concern is unnecessary, and you certainly don’t deserve it. You tell him you’re fine again, more aggressively this time, but not more convincing. He doesn’t believe you, of course, and you can tell because you’ve known him since you were nine. You know him like the back of your hand, what every facial expression means, what every metaphor-coated word he speaks means, what every hand gesture means. “Dude, I can obviously tell you aren’t alright, so just tell me what’s wrong. C’mon, no judgment here. I’m all ears.”

He’s telling the truth, of course. Why wouldn’t he? He might be all ears but you aren’t all mouths, and you don’t feel like talking about how much you love him and how much it hurts every time he sends you a snap of him doing something sappy with Karkat. You don’t feel like telling him how many times you’ve thrown up because of how much your stomach churns from the thought of him not loving you anymore. You don’t feel like telling him how many times you’ve woke up hungover after getting blackout drunk on Rose’s old, stashed-away alcohol, trying to forget how much everything on this stupid earth  _ hurts. _ You beat the game and you’re safe, but you’re so unreasonably unhappy about the most trivial things.

“It’s not important,” you say instead, dismissive, as always. “You wanna watch a movie?”

“No, I want you to tell me what’s wrong.”

If he knew, he wouldn’t want you to tell him what’s wrong. And you don’t want to tell him, because you don’t want to scare him away, don’t want him to hate you because you loved him and lost him (but how could you lose something you never had in the first place) and how you just can’t get over it. Even when you drink yourself to the ends of the earth the only name in your head, on your tongue, is his. “I know you’re still in love with me, dumbass.”

You freeze, all of your muscles tensing up at once, your heart beating out of time, or maybe beating in perfect timing with Dave’s. “You’re a pretty transparent guy, you know. Especially to someone like me. I still love you, I think, but I’m with Karkat now.”

“Stay.”

He shakes his head. “You know I can’t. You missed your chance.”

And maybe that’s what hurts most of all.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm already gonna apologize for making anyone cry, because i tend to get a lot of comments about that.
> 
> again, i might make this into a whole story? i don't know, i feel like this just needs a preface or an after or something, maybe with a happy ending for once.
> 
> hope ya' enjoyed, anyway! <3
> 
> tumblr - https://complaininginfj.tumblr.com/  
> deviantart - http://l-o-w-l-i-f-e.deviantart.com/  
> youtube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFelMmd71NBJF-RvdSkHTSQ


End file.
